Post by MadStepDad on Feb 18, 2012 23:11:22 GMT -5
Cut to the in-studio host for the show
Sunny
Everybody wants to know about me & Big Shad G. And why Chris Candido did what he did to help us out on XPW TV Episode #36. That was one of the things I was very nervous about, because I haven’t seen him [Candido] since I left that company (Triple Threat). I didn’t know what to expect. I was in catering and all of a sudden someone taps me on my shoulder, I turn around and it’s him. Of course, I was like a deer in the headlights (Laughs). And he hugs me, kisses me on the cheek, said how great I looked. I tried to say the same thing about him without lying too much because he aged quite a bit since I saw him last (laughs at her "friend" "Lil Chrissy"). I was like, “Oh, you look the same.” And I’m thinking to myself, “No you don’t”(laughs). But he was very cool. Chris and I will always be friends.
** CUT TO VIDEO **
_____________________________________________________________________
"KING OF THE FN DEATH MATCH"
XPW Remixed speaks in broad emotions, not technical jargon. Entire transcripts of Nick Gage’s infamous balcony “shoot” promo (see XPW Online #11) are scarce to come by (or left up to the imagination entirely)… it’s based more upon the live emotion of the moment – a tangible electricity in the air that touched all who viewed the incident… Gage somehow managed to link the KotDM title to an underworld of Xtremism that consumes bodies, souls and lives… made the title seem bigger than life, and a birthright of his to take the World of Xtreme back from the evil foreign menace… that raucous, unpredictable, punk rock gangsta vibe continues tonight with this next segment… “The Future of Hardcore” and current KotDM “Interim” champion NICK FN GAGE makes his way to ringside (“For Whom the Bell Tolls” blaring, bandanna over his face, KotDM belt over his shoulder, and BLKOut crew bringing up the rear)…
Gage cuts a Part 2 promo in the ring, putting over the blood, sweat and tears of his Death Match forefathers and casting shame upon the evil foreign Sheik and his greedy manager The Grand Wizard… Gage rallies the fans against Sheik and TGW, and calls out the lame duck KotDM champion who is still on injured reserve… but instead of getting Sheik, we get “the Street Dog” JON MOXLEY!!!… the grimy punk saunters onto the main entrance ramp with the actual KotDM belt in his grip (stolen by Moxley from the Sheik himself - see XPW Online #11)…
Jon Moxley touts his own Xtreme passage through XPW Remixed, culminating with his bloody retirement of Terry Funk at “(Another) New Years Revolution”… if anybody deserves be known as the most hardcore muthaphuckker in fantasy wrestling and KING of the DEATH MATCH it’s JON FN MOXLEY!!! Gage answers him on the mic and gladly welcomes Moxley into HIS ring to finish this dispute once and for all! The crowd cheers and chants “XPW! XPW!” Ruckus, Sabian & Michael Tarver (the BLKOut crew) coalesce around the ring and encourage the chants and upcoming fight… but before Moxley can retort, we get the theme song for the Sheik!!! Enter the terrifying Syrian menace himself!!!
The Grand Wizard leads the charge and addresses that “criminal scumbag” Nick Gage and “no-good wannabe poseur” Jon Moxley jointly… For TGW, despite his absolute loathing for both men, he no longer wields the power of the Book here in XPW Remixed… but he knows someone who does! Enter XPW Remixed Commissioner “Real Deal” Damien Steele!!! The cocky, egocentric, suit and tie wearing Commissioner enters alongside his sexy secretary Jasmine St. Claire with a s***-eating grin… makes the following decree… Jon Moxley versus Nick Gage! “Interim” KotDM title match… winner faces Original Sheik to unify the titles when Sheik returns to action at “My Bloody Valentine II”!!! TONIGHT!!!
** King of the Death Match Championship (“Interim”) **
NICK GAGE versus JON MOXLEY
versus
We return from commercial break for the announcer intros, and the two men quickly engage in violent fisticuffs… the brawl escalates quickly and travels around ringside and through the fans… chants of “XPW! XPW!”… members of BLKOut linger around ringside but don’t get involved in the fight (but they do incite the crowd further)… Gage and Moxley beat the holy living Hell out of each other in a superficial effort to prove himself as the baddest Mfer in the hardest division in fantasy wrestling today… but it’s all for naught, as finally - with both men significantly weakened - The Grand Wizard unleashes the monstrous tandem of Abdullah the Butcher & Sheik upon Gage & Moxley, while XPW security tangle with BLKOut… set-up… Moxley & Gage are brutally savaged by Sheik & Abdullah; some parts of which must be cut or blacked out…
Winner: NO FINISH
OG Sheik proves why he's so fearsome, by reclaiming physical custody of his KotDM title belt from Jon Moxley - and leaving Nick Gage in a bloody heap.
** CUT TO COMMERCIAL **
******************
”THE SHOVEL, THE SICKLE, THE AXE”
Child molesting, rapist, serial killer Pogo the Clown
XPW TV vignette that occurs movie-style in the ghetto streets of Los Angeles. Heavy, off-color sketch that follows a homicidal New Jack as he rampages through a seedy, perverted bar to call out his former partner Pogo the Clown… When he finds Pogo the Clown he is engaged in something perversely horrific involving cheap hookers and barnyard animals… a violent, vicious, weapon-wielding war breaks out between New Jack & Pogo that destroys their surroundings… New Jack finishes with the sickle, but Pogo comes crashing back with a large fireman’s axe… New Jack fights dirty though and winds up hurling the 500-pound Pogo the Clown off camera and (ostensibly) over the balcony ledge… New Jack looks down at Pogos unmoving body lying in the wreckage, while shouting and cursing for the cameras.
New Jack is the OG of XXXTREEEEMEEE!!!!
** CUT **
_____________________________________________________________
BLKOut vs PG-13 w/ JTG
(6-Man Tag Team Madness)
vs
We’re back from commercial break and the chaos from the previous chapter has barely subsided… security and paramedics tend to Gage & Moxley, while The Grand Wizard and his men retreat up the aisle… the BLKOut crew is still in the ring amidst a sea of security straining to hold them back… at the top of the entrance ramp, TGW has a few more grating syllables for the fans - promising to stand alone as manager of champions in XPW Remixed… he’s hustled backstage… finally Sabian from the BLKOut crew gets hold of a mic and talks some trash… they want a fight TONIGHT (cheer)… but instead of a return of TGW and his men, we get… ”The Nation of Domination”? Enter hardcore white rap duo PG-13, and their getbizzywittit mentor Just That Gangsta! Lil Jamie Dundee (oh, excuse me: “JC Ice Baby”) has a few wack, offbeat limericks for BLKOut that sounds a mighty lot like a diss… which BLKOut do not take kindly to. Soon enough, JTG is leading his men to the ring, hyping up their act, before disappearing and leaving the lambs to the slaughter. Definitive squash match for BLKOut that loosely follows a tornado match. Really just an excuse for all 3 BLKOut members to get their most popular spots off - finishing with Mr. 1.9 Michael Tarver’s “Kill Shot” KO punch. BLKOut throw a hardcore Hip Hop celebration, and toss PG-13’s beaten bodies out of the ring, crowd-surfing style… BLKOut still bring the house down!
Winners: BLKOUT
Postmatch, XPW Remixed Commissioner "Real Deal" Damien Steele gets to make another appearence and toss his weight around; ordering security to eject BLKOut from the building. Steele has worked himself up to "Excuse Me!" / "Can I Have Your Attention, please?" / Bischoff-era level crowd heat with his over-the-top, power mad and cocky Commissioner antics.
The on-screen Commissioner Damien Steele continues to run amuck.
** CUT **
****************
BREAKING NEWS
New stipulation added to main event title defense @ “MBVII”
With Jack Pfefer’s iron-clad negotiations, and Commissioner Damien Steele’s compliance, Bruno Sammaritino has effectively been REMOVED from his main event match against Lou Thesz @ “MBVII”… As a side bar, Sammartino HAS agreed to return to action however at “MBVII” in what is being billed as an “unsanctioned match” (to as skirt doctor requirements) in order to exact his revenge on Samoa Joe… But the #1 contendership was quickly snatched up by Pfefer’s champion and Diamond Dynasty crown jewel “Nature Boy” Buddy Rogers - who will now face XPW Remixed title holder Lou Thesz at “My Bloody Valentine II”… in return for agreeing to this match however, Lou Thesz has specifically requested this bout be a “BEST 2 out of 3 FALLS” match! Thesz wants zero opportunity for griping and cheating, and has vowed the best man will win @ “MBVII”! This is another exclusive XPW Remixed classic, and will provide a vast and enriching look at the past and foundation upon which our fandom rests. MSD & XPW Remixed present “My Bloody Valentine II”… now featuring an exclusive excerpt from “The Untold Story of the Monopoly that Strangled Pro Wrestling”!
versus
** XPW Remixed Championship **
Lou Thesz vs "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers
(2 out of 3 Falls match)
** Only at "My Bloody Valentine II"!!! **
** CUT **
________________________________________________________________________
JUGGALO NINJAS (w/ ICP)
versus
LA COKA NOSTRA (aka "FBI") w/ the capo Tony Altomare
versus
*with*
Character building interlude between tuff-tawkin Tony Altomare and his disgruntled underlings La Coka Nostra (formerly “FBI”) leads to an “Italian Open Challenge” that’s answered by the soothing sounds of Insane Clown Posse… cue merciless, weapon-filled beat down upon La Coka Nostra (including the big lummox Sal Graziano) all to a banging rap soundtrack… Necro Butcher & MadMan Pondo get in, do their shtick, and get out… short and sweet. Necro Butcher puts their win over the top by dousing his OWN leg with lighter fluid - setting it ABLAZE - and launching himself from the top rope with a flaming leg drop upon (a T-shirt wearing) Lil Guido! A stunning visual that immediately elicits chants of “XPW! XPW!” The Juggalo Ninjas (hockey sticks and trash can lids in tow) pose alongside their mentors and mascots ICP….
Winners: JUGGALO NINJAS
But the whole thing is just a set-up for the eventual run-in of XPW Tag Team Champions the (Real) Kings of Wrestling!!! Austin Idol (1982) and Phil “Gunner” Shatter (2013) alongside their valet Jessica Darlin (2001) make the run-in, still wearing their stylish street clothes, and lay an UNHOLY beating upon the Juggalo Ninjas and ICP… the face-painted rappers are quickly disposed of with, by a simple chair shot and power bomb through a table to start… but the beat down that unfolds upon Pondo & Necro is just brutal in it’s horrific nature… disgusting, unprotected blunt shots that put Rock/Mankind/I Quit to shame… but just as it seems the cocky KoW will once again get their way and flaunt their victory… Pondo & Necro forget to stay dead… in what quickly comes to resemble a horror movie, or zombie flick, Pondo and Butcher KEEP GETTING UP from these horrific hits! Ring step power bombs! Barbed wire tables! Con-chair-toes (like the one that beat Sabian @ “(Another) New Years Revolution”)!!! But… the Juggalo Ninjas… won’t… stay… DOWN!!! They keep getting up like bloody, inhuman zombies until the Kings are just startled and disturbed enough to get up and retreat backstage - a blood-splattered Jessica Darlin alongside them - clutching their championship belts with an incredulous look upon their faces! Can the Juggalo Ninjas actually be STOPPED in an Xtreme Rulez match??? Find out at “My Bloody Valentine II”!!!
MadMan Pondo don't give a PHUCKK!!!
And he'z comin for the XPW Remixed Tag Team titles @
"My Bloody Valentine II"!!!
Oh my, is that who I think I just saw??? If you're a wrestling fan (like ICP) you owe it to yourself to peep this video... how many timez must I ask myself why?
** CUT **
_______________________________________________________________________
"THE BATTLE FOR BAM BAM"
News update from HQ, as the recruitment of Bam Bam Bigelow is in full swing... thus far he's rebuked offers from everyone from Tony Rumble to Sunny, and (it's rumored) even the Shooters Club. Here, he even (loudly and aggressively) denies the German Ad Santel, the pimp Slick and the Russian Volkoff. Bam Bam has promised to reveal his choice in due time, but prefers to remain focused on the task at hand - the Tag Team Tables match he finds himself in @ "MBVII" alongside tag team partner Sheamus (2012).
** CUT **
********************
"A CALL TO DUEL"
Backstage correspondent has caught up with an irate Samoa Joe, for a few words regarding his arrival here in XPW Remixed, his undefeated streak, and brutal attack on Bruno Sammartino on XPW TV Episode #36…
MSD: Why Bruno??
SAMOA JOE: I'll have Bruno in the ring, and when I throw him out of the ring, then he gets thrown to the wolves, and Bruno doesn't do too well around wolves. He's not going to fare much better when he's in there with me, so it's not a great situation to be in. The response [of my attack] was overwhelming, believe it or not. I’m sick of being held back, and I targeted Sammartino because he’s the figure head of the conspiracy against me!!!
MSD: Both of you share a very similar style, how do you think you match-up against Sammartino?
SAMOA JOE: I believe in simplicity. Where some people in XPW Remixed take the high-flying back flip route, I'll replace that with a punch or a nice kick square to the face. I don't think violence is complicated. It's a very simple affair, it's a very direct affair, and I believe that's how people like it. That's where I get my style. Besides, when you have thousands of fans chanting at you to murder someone, it gives you pretty good incentive to do just that.
MSD: A lot of people have noted you may have the advantage over Bruno in the striking category…
SAMOA JOE: There is definitely a Japanese influence on my style. I spent several years back and forth training over there, training at the New Japan Dojo in Los Angeles and picking up various techniques from wherever I go. I've been to Germany, Japan, and I try to take some of the best moves I've learned from around the world and incorporate it as my own.
MSD: How do you envision your match with Bruno ending at “MBVII”?
SAMOA JOE: The choke. It's nice, simple, effective, and can put anybody out. Nobody is immune to it. It sucks to be in.
MSD: What made you decide to come to XPW Remixed, and take such a militant stance?
SAMOA JOE: If you want a company that's your own, you need to make your own stars. You have to let those stars rise on their own, and at the same time bring in people from other companies to help further along that process and help out. But if you're just bringing people in to be brought in, then you're just spinning your wheels and you're not really focusing on the wrestlers you need to focus on. And at “MBVII” – when I choke out Bruno Sammartino – I will be the man you need to focus on!!!
** CUT **
__________________________________________________________________
"AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted"
** Scene starts in the Cali Cripplers locker room where the head coach Ad Santel (fresh from being turned down by Bigelow) is having it out with his most defiant pupil, B-Boy… the German hooker Santel laces into B-Boy with a venomous tongue; lambasting him for not following orders (specifically, his unauthorized answer to Sheamus’ “Irish Whip Challenge” on XPW TV Episode #36)… with the Uso’s and Tamina looking on, fellow Cali Cripplers member (and perpetual butt kisser and teachers pet) Adam Pearce joins Santel in heaping on the verbal abuse - until B-Boy finally hears enough and snaps… he angrily goes off, South Central LA-style on the old school savants Ad Santel & Adam Pearce, ending with a double-bird salute that offends and enrages all. B-Boy is OUT! This n**** is goin SOLO!
B-Boy is like Ice Cube going solo from N.W.A.!
** CUT TO RING **
DRAKE YOUNGER & HAVANA PITBULLS
versus
USO's & ADAM PEARCE
vs
*** with coaching by ***
Cut to ring where we get the entrance of Ad Santel and his Cripplers team to join the Havana Pitbulls who are already in the ring… but before the competition can begin, we get the entrance of XPW Remixed President ED “STRANGLER” LEWIS!!! Displaying the continued friction between himself and his chosen Commissioner Damien Steele, President Lewis over-rules Steele’s decree last week to make this a handicap match… instead President Lewis evens the odds by introducing Shooters Club coach Dan Severn (who has a few choice words for Ad Santel) and the Pitbulls partner for the night - DRAKE YOUNGER! Cue entrance of the “Psycho Shooter”, complete with Kendo stick twirling in his fingers to a big crowd pop. Santel and his team are outraged over the decision and complain vehemently -but there’s little they can do once the bell rings… exciting 6-man tag match that highlights the stiff, underbelly of XPW Remixed action… announcers discuss B-Boy’s dismissal from the Cali Cripplers and Bam Bam Bigelow’s rejection of their invitation… segues to Bam Bam & Sheamus’ tag team table match @ “MBVII”, with Striker surmising that the “Battle for Bam Bam” might be the distraction that derails their team permanently… At ringside, Ad Santel shouts instructions but rival coach Dan Severn prevents him from taking a more physical approach… announcers remind you that the Shooters Club has Lou Thesz’ back, so don’t expect an interference finish in his match with Rogers @ “MBVII”… expect a definitive finish to their decades-long feud… Tamina interferes by grabbing an ankle of her opponent, but winds up getting ejected from ringside by the referee… but on her way back up the entrance ramp (still cussing and complaining), Tamina is blindsided from the rear by ANNIE SOCIAL! The North Killadelphia hood chick goes white trash ballistic on Tamina - revenge for the Superfly splash she suffered on XPW TV Episode #36... With a cat fight on the entrance ramp - small fights breaking out amongst rowdy fans in the crowd - and the Uso’s suitably distracted inside the ring - Adam Pearce winds up getting caught with a stiff crescent kick from Younger that sends him right into a Havana Pitbulls double team finisher (like a Demolition Decapitation, but with a flying double knee drop instead of an elbow) for the pin. The Havana Pitbulls and Shooters Club stand victorious in the ring, as the Cali Cripplers argue amongst themselves.
Winners: HAVANA PITBULLS & DRAKE YOUNGER
Annie Social leaves with a chunk of Tamina's hair in her hand...
** CUT **
"COMING SOON TO XPW REMIXED..."
The Famous, Fantastic, Fantasy-wrestling debut of the FABULOUS KANGAROOS
** CUT **
*********************
"BREAKING NEWS"
(Jinder Mahal's "Evil Empire" banned from appearing at PPV)
Due to their recent actions (and assault upon Muldoon @ "(Another) New Years Revolution") - along with their recent losing streak and general combustability - the Evil Empire have been BANNED from appearing at the PPV! With Jinder Mahal denied a title match by Cena, there is no match opening - and therefore no reason for any member to be in the building. Of course Mahal blames racist politics and will complain long and loudly about this slight...
The Evil Empire has been unjustly persecuted!!!
** CUT **
___________________________________________________________
DANNY HAVOC
Welcome to the online ("not a fucking") blog by XPW Remixed Fantasy Superstar Danny Havoc... (aka "a reprint of all his awesome web rants"). Tonight, the the 3rd episode...
"I HATE WHEN GHETTO YOUTHS GET INSPIRED..."
Okay, look, I recognize the fact that this has nothing to do with wrestling, but then, I'm a pretty lousy wrestler, so I suppose it's a good thing that I have other interests. Seeing as this is my website, at least until XPW Remixed.com deems it too fucking stupid to host anymore, I am opting to post whatever the hell I feel like on here, from this day forth.
Today I am going to be sharing with you my opinion on what I feel is a very obnoxious cliche in hollywood, over the last few years. The cliche of which I speak is this; ghetto teens which society has deemed "lost causes" being inspired by take-no-crap teachers/God/music/dance/cheerleading/fake nuns (take your pick). I swear to God, if I see one more preview for a movie where a group of young "gangbangers" and/or "hoodlums" have their lives turned around and are given meaning, focus, drive, and morality by someone who "believes in them, when no one else would," I'm going to fucking shoot my dog.
Admittedly, I may be speaking a bit biasedly here, as I've never been to the ghetto, but it's my opinion that people who live in the ghetto really ought to stay there and succumb to the moral decay and crime that a life of poverty lends itself to...I'm sick and tired of teachers or dance coordinators who take it upon themselves to try to save these kids, by inspiring them to make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others. I love a good musical as much as the next guy, but I'll be goddamned if the power of song, dance, or basketball makes me want to stop smoking crack and committing "drive-bys." It's unrealistic, it's sappy, and it pisses me the fuck off.
This trend has been going on for a very long time now, in Hollywood. The recent release of the film "Take the Lead," a movie in which Zorro prevents crime in an impoverished, inner-city neighborhood by teaching promising young drug kingpins how to dance, ballroom-style, was the inspiration for today's rant, but it certainly was not the first such film to aggravate me. It's only the latest in a long line of cinematic fecal matter with (essentially) the same storyline. Let's take a moment to look back over the history of this one film, which has been made and re-made time and again, with different actors. Just off-hand, I recall:
Dangerous Minds (Damn, that makes me remember how much I miss Coolio), Sister Act II ("You down with G-O-D?"), Coach Carter (Has Samuel L. Jackson ever been in a good movie?), and "Hardball" ("My Name...IS NEO!" Oh...wrong film...). There're a million more, many of which (sadly) I've seen, but to try to think back over them all now might depress me to the point of suicide.
Similar films include "Remember the Titans" (not exactly the same, but I do hate it when kids learn lessons through sports), "Save the Last Dance" (another movie in which young people who might've had promising careers as murderers or rapists are corrupted by the power of dance), and "You Got Served" (Okay, I've never actually seen this movie, but the preview told me all that I needed to know...After initially falling in love with the art of breakdancing in 1984's Mr. T film, "Be Somebody...Or Be Somebody's Fool", I didn't think that anything could ever make me hate it...I was wrong).
Anyway...what I guess I'm saying is, I really wish that Hollywood would stop bothering inner-city youths, and just let them grow up in the fashion that God intended; shooting, mugging, and raping one another. I refuse to believe that anybody apart from pre-teen suburban white girls are inspired by any of this insipid stupidity, and it's really irresponsible (in my opinion) to give these children the idea that it's safe to wander into the ghetto alone, armed with nothing but a boombox, a "Club mix" CD, an arsenal of dance moves, and a heart full of "Caring and Understanding" for their fellow human beings...they're going to get gang-raped and killed. I'm just saying...
** CUT **
____________________________________________________________________
"LIZZY'S LEGAL FIX"
** BACKSTAGE SKIT **
Office skit with Woman’s Div Pres LIZZY BORDEN meeting with head of the GDT Inc legal counsel DAVID OTUNGA… as it turns out, Lizzy Borden has some special provisions drawn into Mildred Burke’s contract when she signed her to appear for XPW Remixed… one of those caveats actually prohibits Mildred Burke from competing against other females in sanctioned competition!!! That means Lizzy Borden DOES NOT have to defend her XPW Remixed Woman’s Championship at the PPV!!! Lizzy Borden is delirious with giddiness over her close-call, but Attorney David Otunga breaks her the bad news - the “Steel Cage” match against Burke at “MBVII” is considered “unsanctioned”! Therefore she may be able to escape having to defend her title… but she can’t escape from the match! Lizzy Borden will be TRAPPED in a steel cage at “My Bloody Valentine II”, with Mildred Burke thirsting for vengeance!!! Lizzy Borden screams and flails about in a tantrum, while Otunga just fixes his bowtie and sips his coffee!!!
David Otunga: Head legal counsel for GDT Inc
*****************
"Corporate Downsizing"
The Commission falls at "MBVII"
TGW & Jack Pfefer (with their respective camps, minus Buddy Rogers) have another tense run-in backstage... the Commission contract is up once and for all at "MBVII", with only one managerial liscense remaining... TGW & Pfefer have decided upon a "gentleman's agreement" to their quarrel - whoever wins their title match at "MBVII" will have proven themselves as a managerial genius, and the most worthy of the last liscence and contract... both TGW & Pfefer have some snarky, condescending words for each other about who will prevail at "MBVII"... when their little tete-a-tete is cut off by GDT Inc owners ED "STRANGLER" LEWIS & JOE "TOOTS" MONDT! A few more added provisions to thier PPV encounters.... Jack Pfefer is offically BANNED from ringside during the main event title fight! So Buddy Rogers must beat Thesz all on his own without any interference! Pfefer is outraged while TGW smirks like a cocky prick... but Lewis isn't finished with his decrees... he knows TGW thinks he's so clever for orchestrating that set-up and beatdown on Gage & Moxley earlier tonight (hoping out of a title match entirely at "MBVII", and his man The Sheik will simply retain his KotDM title by default)... but instead, The Sheik will be returning to action to defend his title against BOTH men in a Triple Threat match!!! TGW is shocked and outraged!!! But when a bloody, beaten, yet unbroken Nick Gage and Jon Moxley show up on the scene - TGW & the Sheik flee!!! Nick Gage (holding his "Interim" KotDM belt) and Jon Moxley have the intense staredown to end the segment...
Gold Dust Trio Inc has ruled.
*********************
"CORPORATE PHRASE OF THE DAY"
We wrap up our trilogy of backstage management vignettes, with a frazzled Commissioner Damien Steele having it out in the hallway with GDT Inc legal counsel David Otunga… Damien Steele (alongside his sizzling secretary Jasmine St Claire) is justly indignant over XPW President Ed Lewis blatantly overriding Steele’s authority by adding Drake Younger to the Uso’s/Pitbulls match. But GDT Inc legal consel David Otunga reminds Steele of the corporate hierarchy that he willingly embraced when he became Commissioner – and that makes Ed Lewis the (now undisputed) #1 in charge. There’s no more playing the fence between GDT Inc and the now-defunct “Commission”... but “OFF the record” (Otunga leans in conspiratorially to Steele) , Otunga has a few words for Steele about an upcoming business venture (spearheaded by Otunga of course) that’s about to overtake XPW Remixed… he cryptically encourages Damien Steele to “stay in focus”…
** CUT **
______________________________________________________________
** MAIN EVENT **
"JAPW" = XPW Remixed
SAMI CALLIHAN (2012) versus
"A CALL TO DUEL"
Backstage correspondent has caught up with an irate Samoa Joe, for a few words regarding his arrival here in XPW Remixed, his undefeated streak, and brutal attack on Bruno Sammartino on XPW TV Episode #36…
MSD: Why Bruno??
SAMOA JOE: I'll have Bruno in the ring, and when I throw him out of the ring, then he gets thrown to the wolves, and Bruno doesn't do too well around wolves. He's not going to fare much better when he's in there with me, so it's not a great situation to be in. The response [of my attack] was overwhelming, believe it or not. I’m sick of being held back, and I targeted Sammartino because he’s the figure head of the conspiracy against me!!!
MSD: Both of you share a very similar style, how do you think you match-up against Sammartino?
SAMOA JOE: I believe in simplicity. Where some people in XPW Remixed take the high-flying back flip route, I'll replace that with a punch or a nice kick square to the face. I don't think violence is complicated. It's a very simple affair, it's a very direct affair, and I believe that's how people like it. That's where I get my style. Besides, when you have thousands of fans chanting at you to murder someone, it gives you pretty good incentive to do just that.
MSD: A lot of people have noted you may have the advantage over Bruno in the striking category…
SAMOA JOE: There is definitely a Japanese influence on my style. I spent several years back and forth training over there, training at the New Japan Dojo in Los Angeles and picking up various techniques from wherever I go. I've been to Germany, Japan, and I try to take some of the best moves I've learned from around the world and incorporate it as my own.
MSD: How do you envision your match with Bruno ending at “MBVII”?
SAMOA JOE: The choke. It's nice, simple, effective, and can put anybody out. Nobody is immune to it. It sucks to be in.
MSD: What made you decide to come to XPW Remixed, and take such a militant stance?
SAMOA JOE: If you want a company that's your own, you need to make your own stars. You have to let those stars rise on their own, and at the same time bring in people from other companies to help further along that process and help out. But if you're just bringing people in to be brought in, then you're just spinning your wheels and you're not really focusing on the wrestlers you need to focus on. And at “MBVII” – when I choke out Bruno Sammartino – I will be the man you need to focus on!!!
** CUT **
__________________________________________________________________
"AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted"
** Scene starts in the Cali Cripplers locker room where the head coach Ad Santel (fresh from being turned down by Bigelow) is having it out with his most defiant pupil, B-Boy… the German hooker Santel laces into B-Boy with a venomous tongue; lambasting him for not following orders (specifically, his unauthorized answer to Sheamus’ “Irish Whip Challenge” on XPW TV Episode #36)… with the Uso’s and Tamina looking on, fellow Cali Cripplers member (and perpetual butt kisser and teachers pet) Adam Pearce joins Santel in heaping on the verbal abuse - until B-Boy finally hears enough and snaps… he angrily goes off, South Central LA-style on the old school savants Ad Santel & Adam Pearce, ending with a double-bird salute that offends and enrages all. B-Boy is OUT! This n**** is goin SOLO!
B-Boy is like Ice Cube going solo from N.W.A.!
** CUT TO RING **
DRAKE YOUNGER & HAVANA PITBULLS
versus
USO's & ADAM PEARCE
vs
*** with coaching by ***
Cut to ring where we get the entrance of Ad Santel and his Cripplers team to join the Havana Pitbulls who are already in the ring… but before the competition can begin, we get the entrance of XPW Remixed President ED “STRANGLER” LEWIS!!! Displaying the continued friction between himself and his chosen Commissioner Damien Steele, President Lewis over-rules Steele’s decree last week to make this a handicap match… instead President Lewis evens the odds by introducing Shooters Club coach Dan Severn (who has a few choice words for Ad Santel) and the Pitbulls partner for the night - DRAKE YOUNGER! Cue entrance of the “Psycho Shooter”, complete with Kendo stick twirling in his fingers to a big crowd pop. Santel and his team are outraged over the decision and complain vehemently -but there’s little they can do once the bell rings… exciting 6-man tag match that highlights the stiff, underbelly of XPW Remixed action… announcers discuss B-Boy’s dismissal from the Cali Cripplers and Bam Bam Bigelow’s rejection of their invitation… segues to Bam Bam & Sheamus’ tag team table match @ “MBVII”, with Striker surmising that the “Battle for Bam Bam” might be the distraction that derails their team permanently… At ringside, Ad Santel shouts instructions but rival coach Dan Severn prevents him from taking a more physical approach… announcers remind you that the Shooters Club has Lou Thesz’ back, so don’t expect an interference finish in his match with Rogers @ “MBVII”… expect a definitive finish to their decades-long feud… Tamina interferes by grabbing an ankle of her opponent, but winds up getting ejected from ringside by the referee… but on her way back up the entrance ramp (still cussing and complaining), Tamina is blindsided from the rear by ANNIE SOCIAL! The North Killadelphia hood chick goes white trash ballistic on Tamina - revenge for the Superfly splash she suffered on XPW TV Episode #36... With a cat fight on the entrance ramp - small fights breaking out amongst rowdy fans in the crowd - and the Uso’s suitably distracted inside the ring - Adam Pearce winds up getting caught with a stiff crescent kick from Younger that sends him right into a Havana Pitbulls double team finisher (like a Demolition Decapitation, but with a flying double knee drop instead of an elbow) for the pin. The Havana Pitbulls and Shooters Club stand victorious in the ring, as the Cali Cripplers argue amongst themselves.
Winners: HAVANA PITBULLS & DRAKE YOUNGER
Annie Social leaves with a chunk of Tamina's hair in her hand...
** CUT **
"COMING SOON TO XPW REMIXED..."
The Famous, Fantastic, Fantasy-wrestling debut of the FABULOUS KANGAROOS
** CUT **
*********************
"BREAKING NEWS"
(Jinder Mahal's "Evil Empire" banned from appearing at PPV)
Due to their recent actions (and assault upon Muldoon @ "(Another) New Years Revolution") - along with their recent losing streak and general combustability - the Evil Empire have been BANNED from appearing at the PPV! With Jinder Mahal denied a title match by Cena, there is no match opening - and therefore no reason for any member to be in the building. Of course Mahal blames racist politics and will complain long and loudly about this slight...
The Evil Empire has been unjustly persecuted!!!
** CUT **
___________________________________________________________
DANNY HAVOC
Welcome to the online ("not a fucking") blog by XPW Remixed Fantasy Superstar Danny Havoc... (aka "a reprint of all his awesome web rants"). Tonight, the the 3rd episode...
"I HATE WHEN GHETTO YOUTHS GET INSPIRED..."
Okay, look, I recognize the fact that this has nothing to do with wrestling, but then, I'm a pretty lousy wrestler, so I suppose it's a good thing that I have other interests. Seeing as this is my website, at least until XPW Remixed.com deems it too fucking stupid to host anymore, I am opting to post whatever the hell I feel like on here, from this day forth.
Today I am going to be sharing with you my opinion on what I feel is a very obnoxious cliche in hollywood, over the last few years. The cliche of which I speak is this; ghetto teens which society has deemed "lost causes" being inspired by take-no-crap teachers/God/music/dance/cheerleading/fake nuns (take your pick). I swear to God, if I see one more preview for a movie where a group of young "gangbangers" and/or "hoodlums" have their lives turned around and are given meaning, focus, drive, and morality by someone who "believes in them, when no one else would," I'm going to fucking shoot my dog.
Admittedly, I may be speaking a bit biasedly here, as I've never been to the ghetto, but it's my opinion that people who live in the ghetto really ought to stay there and succumb to the moral decay and crime that a life of poverty lends itself to...I'm sick and tired of teachers or dance coordinators who take it upon themselves to try to save these kids, by inspiring them to make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others. I love a good musical as much as the next guy, but I'll be goddamned if the power of song, dance, or basketball makes me want to stop smoking crack and committing "drive-bys." It's unrealistic, it's sappy, and it pisses me the fuck off.
This trend has been going on for a very long time now, in Hollywood. The recent release of the film "Take the Lead," a movie in which Zorro prevents crime in an impoverished, inner-city neighborhood by teaching promising young drug kingpins how to dance, ballroom-style, was the inspiration for today's rant, but it certainly was not the first such film to aggravate me. It's only the latest in a long line of cinematic fecal matter with (essentially) the same storyline. Let's take a moment to look back over the history of this one film, which has been made and re-made time and again, with different actors. Just off-hand, I recall:
Dangerous Minds (Damn, that makes me remember how much I miss Coolio), Sister Act II ("You down with G-O-D?"), Coach Carter (Has Samuel L. Jackson ever been in a good movie?), and "Hardball" ("My Name...IS NEO!" Oh...wrong film...). There're a million more, many of which (sadly) I've seen, but to try to think back over them all now might depress me to the point of suicide.
Similar films include "Remember the Titans" (not exactly the same, but I do hate it when kids learn lessons through sports), "Save the Last Dance" (another movie in which young people who might've had promising careers as murderers or rapists are corrupted by the power of dance), and "You Got Served" (Okay, I've never actually seen this movie, but the preview told me all that I needed to know...After initially falling in love with the art of breakdancing in 1984's Mr. T film, "Be Somebody...Or Be Somebody's Fool", I didn't think that anything could ever make me hate it...I was wrong).
Anyway...what I guess I'm saying is, I really wish that Hollywood would stop bothering inner-city youths, and just let them grow up in the fashion that God intended; shooting, mugging, and raping one another. I refuse to believe that anybody apart from pre-teen suburban white girls are inspired by any of this insipid stupidity, and it's really irresponsible (in my opinion) to give these children the idea that it's safe to wander into the ghetto alone, armed with nothing but a boombox, a "Club mix" CD, an arsenal of dance moves, and a heart full of "Caring and Understanding" for their fellow human beings...they're going to get gang-raped and killed. I'm just saying...
** CUT **
____________________________________________________________________
"LIZZY'S LEGAL FIX"
** BACKSTAGE SKIT **
Office skit with Woman’s Div Pres LIZZY BORDEN meeting with head of the GDT Inc legal counsel DAVID OTUNGA… as it turns out, Lizzy Borden has some special provisions drawn into Mildred Burke’s contract when she signed her to appear for XPW Remixed… one of those caveats actually prohibits Mildred Burke from competing against other females in sanctioned competition!!! That means Lizzy Borden DOES NOT have to defend her XPW Remixed Woman’s Championship at the PPV!!! Lizzy Borden is delirious with giddiness over her close-call, but Attorney David Otunga breaks her the bad news - the “Steel Cage” match against Burke at “MBVII” is considered “unsanctioned”! Therefore she may be able to escape having to defend her title… but she can’t escape from the match! Lizzy Borden will be TRAPPED in a steel cage at “My Bloody Valentine II”, with Mildred Burke thirsting for vengeance!!! Lizzy Borden screams and flails about in a tantrum, while Otunga just fixes his bowtie and sips his coffee!!!
David Otunga: Head legal counsel for GDT Inc
*****************
"Corporate Downsizing"
The Commission falls at "MBVII"
TGW & Jack Pfefer (with their respective camps, minus Buddy Rogers) have another tense run-in backstage... the Commission contract is up once and for all at "MBVII", with only one managerial liscense remaining... TGW & Pfefer have decided upon a "gentleman's agreement" to their quarrel - whoever wins their title match at "MBVII" will have proven themselves as a managerial genius, and the most worthy of the last liscence and contract... both TGW & Pfefer have some snarky, condescending words for each other about who will prevail at "MBVII"... when their little tete-a-tete is cut off by GDT Inc owners ED "STRANGLER" LEWIS & JOE "TOOTS" MONDT! A few more added provisions to thier PPV encounters.... Jack Pfefer is offically BANNED from ringside during the main event title fight! So Buddy Rogers must beat Thesz all on his own without any interference! Pfefer is outraged while TGW smirks like a cocky prick... but Lewis isn't finished with his decrees... he knows TGW thinks he's so clever for orchestrating that set-up and beatdown on Gage & Moxley earlier tonight (hoping out of a title match entirely at "MBVII", and his man The Sheik will simply retain his KotDM title by default)... but instead, The Sheik will be returning to action to defend his title against BOTH men in a Triple Threat match!!! TGW is shocked and outraged!!! But when a bloody, beaten, yet unbroken Nick Gage and Jon Moxley show up on the scene - TGW & the Sheik flee!!! Nick Gage (holding his "Interim" KotDM belt) and Jon Moxley have the intense staredown to end the segment...
Gold Dust Trio Inc has ruled.
*********************
"CORPORATE PHRASE OF THE DAY"
We wrap up our trilogy of backstage management vignettes, with a frazzled Commissioner Damien Steele having it out in the hallway with GDT Inc legal counsel David Otunga… Damien Steele (alongside his sizzling secretary Jasmine St Claire) is justly indignant over XPW President Ed Lewis blatantly overriding Steele’s authority by adding Drake Younger to the Uso’s/Pitbulls match. But GDT Inc legal consel David Otunga reminds Steele of the corporate hierarchy that he willingly embraced when he became Commissioner – and that makes Ed Lewis the (now undisputed) #1 in charge. There’s no more playing the fence between GDT Inc and the now-defunct “Commission”... but “OFF the record” (Otunga leans in conspiratorially to Steele) , Otunga has a few words for Steele about an upcoming business venture (spearheaded by Otunga of course) that’s about to overtake XPW Remixed… he cryptically encourages Damien Steele to “stay in focus”…
** CUT **
______________________________________________________________
** MAIN EVENT **
"JAPW" = XPW Remixed
SAMI CALLIHAN (2012) versus
"SICK" NICK MONDO (2002)
(First Blood Match)
versus
XPW Remixed as a whole is an amalgamation of styles ranging from the comedic to the sublime (to the downright horrific)… to some, it is akin to a bad acid trip… to others who have mastered that high, it is an exhilarating, life-altering experience… Here, the tradition of timeline “Dream Matches” continue with the mouth-watering, fantasy feud of Sami Callihan (2012) and “Sick” Nick Mondo (2002)… two hardcore, underground, CZW legends who have had fantasy wrestling fans captivated with their rivalry ever since they first locked up in XPW Remixed’s “Best of the Best 1” Tourney (see XPW Online #8)… Since his victory in that tournament, “Sick” Nick Mondo has seemingly turned a new leaf - focusing more on his high-flying, aerial tactics rather than brute Death Match ultra-violence… but this has seemingly drawn the resentment of “The New Horror” Sami Callihan,… Callihan took exception to Mondo’s victory over him with a violent switchblade attack (see XPW Online #11)… eerie promo from Callihan to open the segment, before a video recap of his & Mondo’s rivalry over some crazy Death Metal music… main event entrances and ring introductions for both men… action is hot and heavy right out the gate, and the intensity does not subside… both men brawl in and out of the ring, using various ringside accessories as weapons… but still no blood… we get stiff with the suplexes and strikes, before the climatic moment when Sami Callihan finally unleashes his switchblade knife… they do a host of teases with the knife, with both men getting a chance to threaten with it… but when the brawl reaches the top of the entrance ramp… “Sick” Nick Mondo is about to bust Callihan’s head open with a heavy weapon, when THUMBTACK JACK appears from the shadows to interfere! The German maniac SMASHES a fluorescent light tube across Mondo’s bare back, collapsing him to the entrance ramp in pain where a torrent of blood begins to spill from Mondo’s back wounds…. Thumbtack Jack just smirks cruelly at his actions and slinks back into the shadows… match stoppage on account of blood.
Winner: SAMI CALLIHAN
Callihan soaks in his victory (and the bloodshed of his enemy Nick Mondo), but still isn’t satisfied with the carnage… he sneak attacks Mondo and continues to pulverize him, long after the match is over… a series of violent maneuvers, climaxing with a brain buster on a steel ring step leaves Mondo an unmoving, twitching mess… and completely unprotected and vulnerable to Sami Callihan’s upcoming switchblade knife attack… with madness in his eyes, Sami Callihan is about to carve Mondo up like a Thanksgiving turkey… when suddenly the lights out and the entire arena is momentarily pitched into DARKNESS… when they return, a white spotlight has fallen before Callihan… revealing the silent, shadowy and stoic form of THE MESSIAH!!!! Huge crowd pop at his arrival, and the Savior of Xtreme goes hardcore on a stunned Sami Callihan! Cross Factor! GodSmack! Messiah takes over the ring before grabbing a mic and laying it out for the fans… in the following promo, Messiah likens the Xtreme lifestyle to a “sickness” and he supports those who attempt to overcome this cycle of violence (like Mondo)… but Messiah promises to continuing PUNISHING those who revel in the sin of sadomasochism and torture!!! Climaxing with the defeat of an ultra-violent ambassador in Sami Callihan! Messiah wants the “New Horror” in a PPV match at “My Bloody Valentine II”!!!… in a “Razor’s Edge Match”!!! (switchblade knife suspended over the ring, first man to get a ladder and retrieve the weapon can use it on their opponent)!
The Messiah will teach Sami Callihan the meaning of XXXTREEEEMEEE at "MBVII"!!!
** FADE OUT **
____________________________________________________________________
XPW Remixed presents...
"MY BLOODY VALENTINE II"
(Final Card)
** XPW Championship **
Lou Thesz versus "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers
(2 out of 3 Falls Match)
Bruno Sammartino (1975) versus Samoa Joe (2007)
** XPW Television Championship **
The MIZ & Wendy Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper) versus Alex Riley & Missy Hyatt
(Intergender "Valentine" Tag Team Match)
Big Shad G & Chris Candido vs Sheamus & Bam Bam Bigelow
(Tag Team Tables Match)
** XPW Tag Team Championship **
(Real) Kings of Wrestling (w/ Jessica Darlin) versus Juggalo Ninjas (w/ ICP)
(Xtreme Rulez Match)
Ezekiel Jackson versus Matt Morgan III
("Wall of Stone" Match)
Lizzy Borden versus Mildred Burke
(Steel Cage Match)
** XPW King of the Death Match championship **
Nick Gage vs Original Sheik vs Jon Moxley
The MESSIAH versus "The New Horror" Sami Callihan
("Razors Edge Match")
** XPW Boston championship **
John Cena (2012) versus William Muldoon (1887)
____________________________________________________________________
CREDITS:
SUNNY: Baltimore Sun interview
SAMOA JOE: IGN Sports interview (2006)
DANNY HAVOC: dannyhavoc.tripod.com/id31.html
(First Blood Match)
versus
XPW Remixed as a whole is an amalgamation of styles ranging from the comedic to the sublime (to the downright horrific)… to some, it is akin to a bad acid trip… to others who have mastered that high, it is an exhilarating, life-altering experience… Here, the tradition of timeline “Dream Matches” continue with the mouth-watering, fantasy feud of Sami Callihan (2012) and “Sick” Nick Mondo (2002)… two hardcore, underground, CZW legends who have had fantasy wrestling fans captivated with their rivalry ever since they first locked up in XPW Remixed’s “Best of the Best 1” Tourney (see XPW Online #8)… Since his victory in that tournament, “Sick” Nick Mondo has seemingly turned a new leaf - focusing more on his high-flying, aerial tactics rather than brute Death Match ultra-violence… but this has seemingly drawn the resentment of “The New Horror” Sami Callihan,… Callihan took exception to Mondo’s victory over him with a violent switchblade attack (see XPW Online #11)… eerie promo from Callihan to open the segment, before a video recap of his & Mondo’s rivalry over some crazy Death Metal music… main event entrances and ring introductions for both men… action is hot and heavy right out the gate, and the intensity does not subside… both men brawl in and out of the ring, using various ringside accessories as weapons… but still no blood… we get stiff with the suplexes and strikes, before the climatic moment when Sami Callihan finally unleashes his switchblade knife… they do a host of teases with the knife, with both men getting a chance to threaten with it… but when the brawl reaches the top of the entrance ramp… “Sick” Nick Mondo is about to bust Callihan’s head open with a heavy weapon, when THUMBTACK JACK appears from the shadows to interfere! The German maniac SMASHES a fluorescent light tube across Mondo’s bare back, collapsing him to the entrance ramp in pain where a torrent of blood begins to spill from Mondo’s back wounds…. Thumbtack Jack just smirks cruelly at his actions and slinks back into the shadows… match stoppage on account of blood.
Winner: SAMI CALLIHAN
Callihan soaks in his victory (and the bloodshed of his enemy Nick Mondo), but still isn’t satisfied with the carnage… he sneak attacks Mondo and continues to pulverize him, long after the match is over… a series of violent maneuvers, climaxing with a brain buster on a steel ring step leaves Mondo an unmoving, twitching mess… and completely unprotected and vulnerable to Sami Callihan’s upcoming switchblade knife attack… with madness in his eyes, Sami Callihan is about to carve Mondo up like a Thanksgiving turkey… when suddenly the lights out and the entire arena is momentarily pitched into DARKNESS… when they return, a white spotlight has fallen before Callihan… revealing the silent, shadowy and stoic form of THE MESSIAH!!!! Huge crowd pop at his arrival, and the Savior of Xtreme goes hardcore on a stunned Sami Callihan! Cross Factor! GodSmack! Messiah takes over the ring before grabbing a mic and laying it out for the fans… in the following promo, Messiah likens the Xtreme lifestyle to a “sickness” and he supports those who attempt to overcome this cycle of violence (like Mondo)… but Messiah promises to continuing PUNISHING those who revel in the sin of sadomasochism and torture!!! Climaxing with the defeat of an ultra-violent ambassador in Sami Callihan! Messiah wants the “New Horror” in a PPV match at “My Bloody Valentine II”!!!… in a “Razor’s Edge Match”!!! (switchblade knife suspended over the ring, first man to get a ladder and retrieve the weapon can use it on their opponent)!
The Messiah will teach Sami Callihan the meaning of XXXTREEEEMEEE at "MBVII"!!!
** FADE OUT **
____________________________________________________________________
XPW Remixed presents...
"MY BLOODY VALENTINE II"
(Final Card)
** XPW Championship **
Lou Thesz versus "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers
(2 out of 3 Falls Match)
Bruno Sammartino (1975) versus Samoa Joe (2007)
** XPW Television Championship **
The MIZ & Wendy Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper) versus Alex Riley & Missy Hyatt
(Intergender "Valentine" Tag Team Match)
Big Shad G & Chris Candido vs Sheamus & Bam Bam Bigelow
(Tag Team Tables Match)
** XPW Tag Team Championship **
(Real) Kings of Wrestling (w/ Jessica Darlin) versus Juggalo Ninjas (w/ ICP)
(Xtreme Rulez Match)
Ezekiel Jackson versus Matt Morgan III
("Wall of Stone" Match)
Lizzy Borden versus Mildred Burke
(Steel Cage Match)
** XPW King of the Death Match championship **
Nick Gage vs Original Sheik vs Jon Moxley
The MESSIAH versus "The New Horror" Sami Callihan
("Razors Edge Match")
** XPW Boston championship **
John Cena (2012) versus William Muldoon (1887)
____________________________________________________________________
CREDITS:
SUNNY: Baltimore Sun interview
SAMOA JOE: IGN Sports interview (2006)
DANNY HAVOC: dannyhavoc.tripod.com/id31.html