Post by MadStepDad on Aug 6, 2011 21:16:26 GMT -5
Cut to the in-studio announce team for the evening:
Gordon Solie & Matt Striker
Strangler Lewis has promoted some of the most scientifically-pure, athletically-driven contests in the history of fantasy wrestling. Toots Mondt has broken such names as Primo Carnera and "Rockstar" Joey KAOS. The future shines brightly under their watch, with an influx of future legends making their name in XPW Remixed. The new XPW Online feature was created by them. But they've also conspired against others and dealt with blood money (The Sicilians entire tag team reign for example). One of their many scorned is ex-business partner The Grand Wizard.
The Grand Wizard has supplied the muscle. The brazen, depraved hitmen who break bones for money. He's responsible for the "Baptized in Blood" Tournament of Death and "Slaughtahouse Stampede" match (at the upcoming "Damage Inc" PPV). Now, alongside new business partner Jack Pfefer, The Grand Wizard has struck a deep legal blow to the heart of XPW Remixed. TGW knows that by moving the company back east he can concentrate on the local backwater locales like Delaware or parts of the Mid West where glass, fire and death are not only sanctioned - they're invited. The Grand Wizard's mission to permanently mar the face of fantasy wrestling - and everything it represents - continues unabated. Now the legal thorn-in-the-side is back with a new team, a new management company and a new declaration: Overtake XPW Remixed By Any Means Necessary. Even if you have to burn it to the ground in the process...
Let's get right to the action.
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** Quick skit in the rancid Cannibal Cartel motel room, Ian Rotten argues with JC Bailey & Lil Chief over a pile of brown powder on the table. Bailey is complaining about being left out their own his own last week against Onita (see XPW Online #1). Ian Rotten complains about being suckered into a fight against Onita (see XPW TV Episode #18) and Lil Chief just sits quietly in the background. Ian Rotten bullies them around and roughs them up a little, swearing they better not mess up tonight. Specifically because of JC Bailey's complaints, the Cartel orchestrated a handicap match. Ian Rotten makes more vague threats to them, alluding to some kind of drug debt they may have with him... **
ATSUSHI ONITA versus JC BAILEY & LIL CHIEF
(Barbed Wire Handicap Match)
versus
Onita's epic-level entrance
ONITA has completed his transformation from long haired Japanese legend with the white tights and blue trunks to bad-ass Americanized street fighter. He enters - stylish leather jacket with the Oriental characters on the back - steel chair in hand, while casually puffing on a cigarette. The ovation he gets from the XPW Remixed faithful tonight in Detroit is thunderous. Match starts with Onita in the ring, wielding the chair like a baseball bat, while Lil Chief and JC Bailey try to surround him. They argue a bit and use frantic body language trying to make the other go first. Finally Lil Chief (lowest on the totem pole) rushes the ring first and eats the crunching blow of Onita's steel chair. JC Bailey quickly follows suit - Black Ninja style - and eats another sick unprotected chair shot to the fucking head. Onita tears off the leather jacket and here we go. Wild, rambunctious affair that fills the "brawl through the crowd" portion of our show tonight. Onita is like the Japanese Sandman, taking his time in between spots to soak in the crowd fervor. Lil Chief and JC Bailey take horrifying bumps into the barbed wire strands. But finally the numbers game catch up, and after JC Bailey dropkicks the ring steps into Onita's knees - the Cannibal Cartel (Bronze Team) go to work. More flying double footstomps, shining wizards and thrust-dropkicks from JC Bailey as Lil Chief mostly plays the role of set-up man. They brawl through the crowd and over to the entrance ramp area, where Lil Chief winds up literally taping Onita to a wooden table with masking tape. As he does that, the suicidal JC Bailey scales the wall in preperation for a huge swanton dive. But when he reaches the top... SURPRISE! Close-up on the horrifying, smiling visage of the returning JUN KASAI!!! "The Crazy Monkey" is back in XPW Remixed!!! The look of shock and fear upon JC Bailey's face, as he freezes, is priceless. Jun Kasai blows a cloud of PURPLE MIST in JC Bailey's face, blinding him!!! In the matches climatic moment, JC Bailey falls 25 feet from the top of the wall through the tables below! Onita - who by now has burst free from the masking tape strand by strand - corners Lil Chief on the entrance and winds up powerbombing the hapless jobber through a glass arena spotlight for the dramatic finish!!!
Winner: ONITA
"The Crazy Monkey" JUN KASAI is back in XPW Remixed!!! He and mentor Atsushi Onita pose in victory and lead the American crowd in chants of "XPW XPW XPW!!"
** CUT **
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The triumphant entrance of the (Real) Kings of Wrestling, Austin Idol (1981) & Phil Shatter (2013), is greeted by boos from the XPW Remixed fans. Their cocky, arrogant, and entitled Muscle Beach swagger instantly chafes the blue collar fans of Detroit. Austin Idol poses and preens while Shatter stalks the ring menacingly. Austin Idol on the mic - the (Real) Kings of Wrestling were scheduled to face former XPW Remixed tag team champions The Sicilians tonight. But surprise surprise - The Sicilians are nowhere to be found. That leaves the (Real) Kings of Wrestling without an opponent tonight. And that just won't do. So tonight - the (Real) Kings of Wrestling are issuing an open challenge to any team in the back!!!
THE (REAL) KINGS of WRESTLING versus
MASTERS of PAIN (Thumbtack Jack & Danny Havoc)
versus
The Masters of Pain - the ReBourne cultists of XPW Remixed - are eager to answer. Perhaps their sadomasochistic tendencies demand it. Thumbtack Jack and Danny Havoc are like backyard rag dolls to the well-sculpted, bronzed combination of Idol & Shatter. Their power tandem moves elicit "OOOOOS" and "AHHHHS" from the viewing audience. When the chairs and ringside guard rails come into play, every move becomes cringe-worthy. Big Phil "Gunner" Shatter even no-sells a chair shot to the back from Danny Havoc and retorts with a furious F5 that grounds Havoc for good. In the end, Austin Idol actually piledrives Thumbtack Jack through a pane of glass he himself had set up earlier in the match. Another dominating victory, but the Masters of Pain, Thumbtack Jack & Danny Havoc, sold like champions and more than carried their end of the bout.
Winners: (REAL) KINGS of WRESTLING
** CUT**
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** Video recap of Miz's rise to power in XPW Remixed, aided by his affiliation with the Diamond Dynasty. Meanwhile, longtime arch-foe Lou Thesz continues to raise the bar with his Shooters Club training club. Breaking new names and ushering in the future. All the while Championship Gold rests in the balance - a title Made for TV and arguably the most visible championship in XPW Remixed. Old Guard versus New School. Only XPW Remixed - live at "Damage Inc". **
XPW TELEVISION TITLE CONTRACT SIGNING
XPW Remixed president Ed "Strangler" Lewis
Both men and their respective corner men (in Thesz' case - B-Boy & Drake Younger, MIZ has Riley & Swagger) - are in the ring. Miz and Thesz are seated opposite each other at a table, while their corners stand behind them and stare menacingly at the opposing side. XPW President Ed"Strangler" Lewis is presiding. The XPW Remixed Television Championship sits snug over Miz's shoulder. Lewis says a few understated words, indicating the magnitude of this signing. This is supposed to another wrestling gem - the kind of mat action only XPW Remixed can produce in all of fantasy wrestling. He asks both men if they have any final words for their opponent. Of course The Miz takes the bait...
(The Miz has affixed the "XPW" upside down now on his Television championship belt. It reads "MdX" now and ever since his match against the Messiah at "Liberty or Death" (were Miz actually took a bump on thumbtacks) the Miz claims the new initials stands for "Miz defines Xtreme". More bragging rights for the already pompous blowhard)
MIZ: This is our Super Bowl. This is the time to bring up all the stops. We’re looking to steal the show. We want to have the best match, walk away with the XPW Television championship and actually have people remember that match and go, “Man, that was an awesome match.” I think a lot of people are talking about Sammartino vs Rogers, The Slaughtahouse Stampede. They’re talking about the main event matches. I AM THE MAIN EVENT. With you, Lou... they’re talking about it but they’re not hyping it as much as the main event matches. "Far far far away from the main event scene" they say, Lou. So we want to be the ones who say “You know what? They may not hype it but after they see that match they’re going to say that’s the one that they remember. And you will be the one we FORGET.
LOU THESZ: Well, Mike Mizanin... a couple of fighters got together out on the West Coast about thirty years ago and the Shooters Club was born. Nowadays the industry is filled with wannabe Hollywood poseurs. The movie industry has a lot of stunt people some of whom are former wrestlers and other athletes and it was the movie people, the movie stunt people, boxers, wrestlers and their friends that were interested in sports. And they started that and now we got clowns coming up through Reality TV and calling it "paying their dues". Listen kid, just because you generated up to 1000000 members on your twitter, well now we have 2000000. It's come together pretty well. So that's what we do, Miz. Go out there and meet, and wine and dine, and tell each other about ourselves in the past...lie about each other... but at "Damage Inc", Miz... you will know I am the TRUTH.
The contracts are angrily signed, the glares and ice grills are off the charts. B-Boy starts jawing with Alex Riley from across the table. Lou Thesz rises in response, drawing Miz from his chair as well. Like two gunslingers just itching to pull first draw. But right as tensions reach their peak, Strangler Lewis intercedes. Both sides square up, words are still being exchanged, and all the sudden we've got an impromptu challenge going down! Shooters Club vs Diamond Dynasty right now!!! Clear the ring and get the official, we've ready for action!
** CUT TO COMMERCIAL **
DRAKE YOUNGER versus JACK SWAGGER
versus
The two grapplers circle each like pitbulls in a fight, ready to snap at any moment. Jack Swagger has the obvious size advantage and is able to power out of a few switch exchanges. They scrap, scramble and scrape like they’re fighting in the middle of a PRIDE ring. After a lot of really snug, intense amateur exchanges they ratchet up the match velocity with elevated slams and suplexes. There are no rest holds, just constant scrambles like two MMA fighters jockeying for position. But when the scrappy Drake Younger breaks out the fisticuffs and begins to take the advantage, Swagger is quick to grab a clinch or rope break. They have an exciting exchange of finisher counters at the end, after Younger has proven to be the underdog David in this match (thus when he almost hits a top rope vertebreaker on the much larger Swagger you feel like he has a chance to pull off the upset). But after another chain of counters on the mat, Jack Swagger reverses a “Drake-n-Bake” attempt into an ankle lock!!! Younger withstands the bone-breaking pain as long as he can, before he’s forced to tap out!!! Whooo!!! The All American American does it again! Jack Swagger gets the sports towel around his neck from Miz, who bounces and cackles wildly in the background! Swagger just wipes the sweat off his brow and tosses the used towel in Lou Thesz’ direction! Diamond Dynasty reign!
Winner (by submission): JACK SWAGGER
** CUT **
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** Backstage interview segment with MSD. He's surrounded by Primo Carnera (ready for battle), the suit-and-tie-wearing part owner of XPW Remixed Joseph "Toots" Mondt - and surprisingly - "The Doctor of Style" SLICK himself. He's dressed in full flashy pimp regalia, and is the fast-talking, energetic Don King of this operation. Tonight Primo Carnera continues to show his dominace in all aspects of combat when he takes on his most dangerous opponent yet... in an MMA fight! Yes that's right ladies and gentleman, another shoot fight tonight, hosted by XPW Remixed (with promotional consideration paid for by the "Doctor of Style" Sports Agency), to be contested under Mixed Martial Arts rules! Later TONIGHT!!! **
** FADE OUT **
“The Real Deal” Damien Steele starts the segment by strolling into the ring – dressed in an expensive suit with Italian loafers – and carrying an XPW Remixed championship belt over his shoulder. It’s déjà vu to XPW Original fans, like a flashback to 1999. Steele takes the time to cut an in-ring promo recounting his greatness and past accomplishments, including driving the BWO out of XPW Remixed at “Liberty or Death” (completely bypassing Terry Funk’s involvement, conveniently). The reason he’s here tonight – per orders of Gold Dust Trio Inc – is to present Bruno Sammartino with the new “Interim Championship” belt. A title he will carry until this title controversy can be quashed at “Damage Inc”. Damien Steele calls out Bruno Sammartino, who enters in full wrestling gear. Standing ovation for his walkout. Steele gives him the cocky run-down, and seems almost reluctant to hand Sammartino the strap. Steele finally extends the belt with utter disgust… but Bruno refuses him! He WON’T take the belt like this! Nobody’s every handed da Brune NOTHING – and you’re not going to start now! The gall! The hubris! The utter disrespect! Damien Steele is FLABBERGASTED that Sammartino would refuse a championship belt that is literally being handed to him!!! Steele gets in Bruno’s face – but Sammartino cuts him off before he can get to the point. In another complete reversal of roles, Bruno Sammartino challenges HIM to a match! Right now! You say you’ve got championship meddle, kid! Prove it! We’ve got an impromptu “Interim Championship” match starting right now! Oh my! Cut to commercial as ring officials and referees scamper into position.
BRUNO SAMMARTINO versus "REAL DEAL" DAMIEN STEELE
versus
When we return from break, Steele is in full wrestling gear – the bell rings – and the two combatants circle. Sammartino flexes the early strength advantage, breaking Steele off and shoving him around the ring like a giant Italian bear. At one point a power press slam high overhead deposits Steele flat on his back where he rolls out of the ring to regroup (and play to some of the front row fans)! Steele gets a minor comeback after his elaborate roll/tuck/spring… into a finger poke move that always elicits a good chuckle from the crowd. But the long-haired XPW Commissioner is too flippant and flamboyant and winds up blowing the lead by taking too long on a top rope attempt. He’s pitched off the turnbuckle into the center of the ring where after a brief scramble Sammartino locks the XPW Commissioner into an over-the-shoulder backbreaker for the frantic tap-out!!! Sammartino has done it again! This time, he takes the imitation “Interim Championship” and lays it over Damien Steele’s convulsing body in the center of the ring! Sammartino poses once more for his adoring audience before walking backstage.
Winner (by submission): BRUNO SAMMARTINO
** CUT THE MUSIC! **
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They are all interrupted by the grating voice of THE GRAND WIZARD!!! He's escorted to the ring by his business partner Jack Pfefer and their enforcer Dick Shikat (Pfeffer dressed in a suit and tie, with TGW rocking the multicolored turban as usual & Dick Shikat in his wrestling trunks). TGW has strict warnings of legal ramifications to the rest of the roster if they dare strike or bring any harm to TGW. As far as he's concerned, he's operating his division to the utmost Xtreme until "Damage Inc" when he will finally own the whole company! And do away with the bleeding heart liberals, and all the so-called "rebels" seething with righteous indignation - like those old school washouts Bruno Sammartino and Lou Thesz! There's no place for sportsmanship in the Land of XXXTREEEEME!!! TGW reintroduces his new business partner Jack Pfefer - together they will revolutionize fantasy wrestling! Again!
JACK PFEFER joins the commentary team for guest color duties.
DICK SHIKAT vs. UNNAMED JOBBER
versus
Jack Pfefer - sitting alongside Striker & Solie at commentary - is the loudest, vulgarest, and most objectionable man you've ever heard. According to him, he's worked with Toots Mondt in the past and has nothing nice to say about him. The Grand Wizard and Pfefer are bankrolling a new talent infusion, starting right here tonight with Dick Shikat. A stable of wrestlers so powerful as to run roughshod over the entire Territory Wars, until but a single TRUST exists between all regions. A committee of the most powerful promoters and bookers, working jointly to secure the lucrative and obscene benefits of ownership. A commission captained by Jack Pfefer and TGW of course!!! They already own the services of THE xpw remixed champion "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers! And right now there are plans forming from Jack Pfefer's headquarters at the Picadilly Hotel in NYC (227 West 45th Street) that will change the face of NY Wrestling! All just the first step in relocating XPW Remixed back to the East Coast. Meanwhile in the ring, the hooker Dick Shikat goes to school on the young job boy. Stretching, breaking and humiliating him in the center of the ring with a vast array of holds, clenches and vices. The fluidity of his movement and scientific acumen is beautiful to watch - like art on a wrestling canvas. Takedown after takedown scores points for Shikat, until finally he locks the kid in a crippling version of a Chicken Wing for the verbal tap-out. On commentary, Pfefer finishes his spiel and slams down the headset. His parting words for Striker & Solie are "when we move this shit hole back East we're hiring better announcers". Pissant.
Winner (by submission): DICK SHIKAT
The goon squad affiliates aren't finished though. Jack Pfefer joins Dick Shikat and TGW (who remained ringside in a managerial capacity during the match) in the ring, and the 3 men commence to stomping the hapless jobber. Pummeling, pounding and punching him out like a bunch of bullies. But just then...
"Shipping up to Boston" by the Dropkick Murphy's...
Enter Boston City Wrestling champion DANNO O'MAHONEY!!!
Streaking to the ring clad in Boston Celtics apparel (to light boos from some Detroit fans), Danno O'Mahoney scatters TGW and Pfefer from the ring, and brings it right to Dick Shikat! The two men exchange blows and scrambles, until they just start jostling stiffly along the ring ropes. Very uncooperative. But it doesn't last too long, as The Grand Wizard has already summoned backup...
Enter ABDULLAH the BUTCHER
The barbaric Madman from the Sudan makes the run-in and soon he and Shikat have overtaken the lean Irishman. In a brutal display, Abdullah savages the young Irish Boston Champion with a fork! Jack Pfefer and TGW have made their way back into the ring now, like vultures circling prey. They shout instructions and lay in a few kicks themselves. "Sudanese Meat Cleaver" elbow drop from Abdullah the Butcher! Dick Shikat locks O'Mahoney in his custom Chicken-wing variation!!! O'Mahoney is in a world of hurt, when just then...
"When the Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash!!!
Here comes the NECRO BUTCHER!!! Wielding his trusty steel chair, he immediately clears the ring like he just let a shotgun off into a crowd! WHACK for Shikat across the back! WHACK to Abdullah in the melon, busting him open like a cantaloupe!!! Necro Butcher is left pounding his chest and gesturing for the goon squad to BRING IT!!!! An irate Pfefer and TGW on the arena floor plot vengeance.... cue the ominous Middle Eastern strains of "Huka Blues"...
NECRO BUTCHER versus ORIGINAL SHEIK (w/ The Grand Wizard)
versus
Match begins with the Original Sheik disarming Necro Butcher with a huge fireball blown from his hand!!! The chair in Necro's hand comes clattering to the ring as he clutches his smoking, smoldering face! From there, the hardcore assault proceeds. Necro Butcher gamely weathers the assault (a mix of fearsome shoot holds and a barrage of weapon shots), and comes back with his full-force, unprotected headbutts to the Sheik's face! Announcers put over Necro Butcher as the only guy crazy enough to stand up to Vic Grimes at "Liberty or Death", and TGW & Jack Pfefer tonight!!! With the crowd surging behind him, Necro Butcher makes the comeback but it is to no avail. Dick Shikat clips a bounding Necro Butcher in the small of his back as he came off the ropes, felling the Death Match madman instantly. In the center of the ring Necro Butcher was no match for the Original Sheik's fearsome "Camel Clutch" finisher. Referee mercifully calls for the bell.
Winner: OG SHEIK
"The Commission"
Back in the ring, The Grand Wizard and his conglomerate stand united in devastation. Just then, TGW procures the (un)official Interim Championship deserted by assigned "champion" Bruno Sammartino in the previous segment vs Damien Steele. TGW holds the belt aloft as he proclaims his disdain for its mockery. Everybody knows "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers is the ONLY true WORLD champion in the Territory Wars. And he will defend that title against any other so-called "champions" on the East Coast! This title right here (shakes the "Interim" championship - an exact replica of the XPW Remixed championship) is a fraud - just like it's so called "champion" Bruno Sammartino, who is too ashamed to even bear it's cross! TGW tosses the mic to the canvas and his men (OG Sheik, Abdullah the Butcher & Dick Shikat) put the boots to Necro Butcher again. Jack Pfefer watches on, now with the Interim title over his shoulder.
But mention his name 3 times like Candyman and you're bound for trouble! Invigorated and enraged by The Grand Wizard's words, who should appear back on the scene but the "Interim champion" himself Bruno Sammartino!!! The crowd catches a glimpse of the Italian strongman first, greeting him with a wave of cheers that set off alarms in TGW and Jack Pfefer's heads. They once again flee the ring as quick as possible, the belt tumbling off Pfefer's shoulder in the meantime. Bruno Sammartino catches Dick Shikat from the rear with a thunderous release German suplex! Suddenly, the bloody Danno O'Mahoney is off the top rope with a missile dropkick to Abdullah, eliminating the Butcher from the fray! Crowd is going crazy as Sammartino and the troops clear the ring and restore order! Bruno picks up the discarded mic... and the Interim championship belt.
BRUNO SAMMARTINO: Well, I've contacted Johnny Doyle... You probably don't remember that name, but he was partners with a guy named Roy Shire, who was promoting in San Francisco. I'm going out there. You know they don't take too kindly to cowardly whistle-blowers like you fellas. Then they (gestures to TGW & Pfefer) played a nice little trick on me, just like they did to Sabu. After I was supposed to finish at such and such a date, The Grand Wizard booked me after that date but did not let me know anything about it. He booked me purposely in Baltimore so when I'd leave, naturally, I wouldn't show up in Baltimore. And he told the Commission, "Sammartino's supposed to be here, but he's not here, so I think he should be suspended." So I'm in San Francisco wrestling, and one day a guy from the state athletic commission in California came and said to me, "You're Sammartino?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "You're not wrestling here, you're suspended."
I said, "Suspended for what?"
He said, "I don't know. It came from headquarters in New York. You're suspended."
Bruno Sammartino now holds the "interim championship" aloft, and thrusts it proudly overhead! If "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers is king of the thieves and the cowards, ducking and dodging opponents, hiding out on the East Coast... then Bruno Sammartino will be king of the REAL champions! The real men! The real athletes and competitors. The warriors who fight for God, country, family and self in that order! Sammartino WILL accept the Interim championship and resume the legacy of the XPW Remixed championship that Buddy Rogers has vowed to desecrate!!! Anybody who wants to dispute that, meet me in Camden NJ!!! (sight of "Damage Inc")
Bruno Sammartino (XPW Remixed champion??)!!!
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** Backstage promo from Terry Funk (friendly, affable, old-man version). He's happy to be back in XPW Remixed and specifically thanks the FANS for their victory over the BWO at "Liberty or Death". He has some unkind words and unfinished business with the Cannibal Cartel, and would like a run with the XPW Remixed championship before he finally retires. And at "Damage Inc" Terry Funk will be participating in the "Slaughtahouse Stampede" match! Hardcore glory is coming back to Texas with the Funker!!! **
** FADE **
SLAUGHTAHOUSE STAMPEDE QUALIFYING MATCH
LIL GUIDO versus JON MOXLEY (w/ Jessica Darlin)
versus ALEX RILEY versus MATT CLASSIC
versus THE MESSIAH
(Xtreme Ladder Match)
vs vs vs vs
The masked sensation Matt Classic is first in the ring, and on commentary Solie & Striker indicate he is the FIRST influx of Jack Pfefer-branded superstars. We get a brief video inset in the corner of the screen where Jack Pfefer himself puts Matt Classic over. “A throwback to the old school wrestlers of the 1950s and 60s, this ring technician is out to prove that high flying, death defying moves aren't the only way too win a wrestling match. Classically trained in the catch-as-catch-can method of the mat sport and sculpted from Mt. Olympus like a Grecian god his full body slam and deadly judo chop don't even scratch the surface of his wrestling repertoire. Beware! He will make you his human pretzel. He's here to put on a veritable wrestling clinic. America, do not adjust your viewing screen's, he truly is a Matt Classic"
Jon Moxley (aka "Dean Ambrose" of FCW 2011 fame) enters with his white-trash arm candy Jessica Darlin, dressed like a country chick with her low cut shorts and plaid (un)button down. He is followed by Lil Guido Maritato (escorted by the gigantic Sal E. Graziano). By the time "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" instrumental by Kanye West starts to playing to herald the arrival of the next competitor, it's met by one of the loudest crowd reactions of the night. Mostly boos, some cheers mixed in, but all very passionate. Enter Alex Riley, he of exclusive Diamond Dynasty stock. He does his slow cocky stroll to the ring and panders to the crowd, flaunting his Billion-Dollar affiliation. Finally... a pause and dramatic lowering of the house lights... for Fear Factory's hard thrash metal. Enter perennial XPW Remixed favorite THE MESSIAH!!! Elaborate, awe-inspiring entrance as usual for the Savior of Xtreme.
Match itself is a stark contrast to the previous contests, this one littered with frenetic high spots and elaborate multi-man car crashes. Three ladders get involved throughout the duration of the match (one of which is broken completely by Jon Moxley's body when he's double hiptossed off the ring apron by Alex Riley and Matt Classic). Lil Guido gets a chance to show off his "Italian Shooter" persona, stretching Moxley and Riley at intervals. But his grappling his matched by the much larger Matt Classic who entertains with a variety of tongue-in-cheek old school maneuvers and takedowns (climaxing with a backdrop/giant judo chop combination to the smaller Lil Guido). But when Matt Classic actually gets a ladder in his hands, he's a little befuddled (and maybe slightly afraid of heights?) Nonetheless, he's clobbered by The Messiah who is certainly no stranger to Xtreme weaponry. Match comes down to a recovered Jon Moxley dueling with Alex Riley high above the ring on a ladder, while the "Slaughtahouse Stampede" contract hangs above. In a series of believable near-finishes, Riley and Moxley exchanging blows until "The Varsity Villain" Alex Riley actually superplexes Jon Moxley up and over the top of the ladder! Moxley crashes down to the ring, as Riley tenuously rebalancing himself on the ladder... just then, the Messiah vaults off a second ladder, leap frogging himself OVER Alex Riley onto the primary ladder, where the Messiah is able to snatch the contract at the last moment! Both men tumble from their perches as the match finish is called. MESSIAH has done it!!!
Winner (and "Slaughtahouse Stampede" Qualifier): THE MESSIAH
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Reigning King of the Death Match champion - and Cannibal Cartel capo - "VICIOUS" VIC GRIMES!!!
The Messiah powders out as the wreckage is cleared from the ring. Crowd has a chance to catch their breath after that last high-risk spectacle. Suddenly - some of that ol' "Thug Lordz" gangsta shit starts playing through the arena, and none other than the Cannibal Cartel capo himself "Vicious" Vic Grimes is on the scene!!! He's got the King of the Death Match championship around his waist, "Sick" Nick Mondo and Ian Rotten by his side, and a wild look in his eyes. With his black murder-gloves, Vic Grimes grips the house mic and unleashes a blistering torrent of profanity and insults upon the native East Coast audience. HUGE boos for his seemingly unrestrained rant (censored in multiple parts). "Sick" Nick Mondo and Ian Rotten will be in the "Slaughtahouse Stampede" match at "Damage Inc". Finally, and thankfully, he's cut off by the opening strains of "Rock Superstar" by Cypress Hill. Enter the KotDM #1 contender...
"ROCKSTAR" KAOS (w/ Missy Hyatt)!!!
The "Rockstar" and his gal address Grimes and the Cartel from the relative safety of the entrance ramp. KAOS cuts an intense promo putting himself over for his dedication and sacrifice to this sport. He's literally sweat, bled and teared for his chance to prove himself. And at "Damage Inc" - when he takes on Vic Grimes for the King of the Death Match championship - he will prove himself all over again and all over Vic Grimes ugly FACE! Of course Vic Grimes will NOT stand for that type of slander, and prepares to send his boyz Mondo & Rotten out there to eat Kaos and rape his girl. But not so fast! Missy Hyatt actually as an East Coast liaison for her native West Coaster boyfriend. A good friend from way back who just happened to be passing through town tonight...
Ladies and gentleman,
Introducing to the set of XPW Remixed...
"The American Dream" DUSTY RHODES (!!??!!??)
He carries with him a regional championship belt, indecipherable from afar. The standing ovation to his surprise appearance is thunderous.
DUSTY RHODES: WHOOO! XPW Remixed, baybee!!! I come from a little place some of you may have heard of... (big pop from the East Coast crowd) It's run by Polland and the trainers — and guys like that. Samoa Joe's been in my ass all week. We have guests and teachers and creative people there all the time. Thursday nights — we run every Thursday night, it's TV: Three one-hour shows. Then, they run Friday nights and Saturday nights, so it's kind of like a small little territory, so that's good. The kids are being able to get out in public and learn their trade. Even if there's 30 people there, it doesn't matter. You can do it in the ring and practice all day long, but if you're not in front of people, like the old days, that's where we learned. We learned it in the car, talking about it. Vic Grimes... you and your boys are a whole lotta talk!!!
Dusty Rhodes puts over Kaos as a credible threat to Grimes at "Damage Inc", big ups Bruno Sammartino, and disses "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers - daring him to bring his belt to the East Coast and show it to Dusty's face. He goes on to defend his own hardcore credentials and takes credit for the entire "Slaughtahouse Stampede" concept! (a match type he says was stolen by the plagiaristic TGW & Jack Pfefer) And to prove his point... "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes - with the blessing of Strangler Lewis & Toots Mondt - is officially announcing his entry into the "Slaughtahouse Stampede" match!!! The only way ANY organization in the Territory Wars can claim a Bunk House battle royal is by including it's founder and undefeated 4x Stampede winner DUSTY RHODES!!! HUGE pop for this unexpected announcement! Even Solie & Striker are marking out on commentary!
ROCKSTAR KAOS versus VIC GRIMES (KotDM title)!!!
DUSTY RHODES in the "Slaughtahouse Stampede" match!!!
Only at "Damage Inc"!!!
** Fade out on Kaos, Hyatt and Rhode's smiling faces as they facetiously wave the in-ring Cannibal Cartel goodbye, and blow them kisses. **
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PRIMO CARNERA versus GIANT SILVA (w/ Kevin Sullivan)
(MMA Match)
versus
This match was like the lifespan of a medieval peasant - short and brutish. The humongous clobbering monster Giant Silva came out swinging, but Carnera used head movement and defensive weaving to avoid him. He kept Silva honest with light jabs, before Silva clinched and went for a failed takedown. He slipped for position and was caught by a barrage of blows, one of which (a stiff short uppercut) felled the Giant for good. Primo pounced on him with punches and hammer fists until the referee pried him off. Match was AWESOME in sheer spectacle, excitement and raw testosterone. But it's literally a purist's nightmare, with a handpicked opponent, strategic style-matching and circus-like atmosphere. Primo Carnera wins again, proving himself as one of the Baddest Men on the planet. "The Doctor of Style" Slick gets his Don King on in Carnera's corner, praising his victory and flaunting all his gaudy jewelry.
Winner (by TKO): PRIMO CARNERA
KO @ 2:28
** CUT **
** Backstage, a ruckus is responded to by MSD and his camera crew. In the XPW Remixed Commissioners office, loud shouting can be heard! Once again it's Commissioner Damien Steele arguing loudly and passionately with the volatile Eddie Gilbert! Steele has Lewis & Mondt's blessing as Commissioner! But Eddie Gilbert vows to go with TGW & Pfefer back east if they'll give HIM the Commissioners job! The two men SNAP and being choking and throttling each other! The commissioners desk is disheveled and portraits are knocked off the wall as they struggle! XPW Security pour in to break it up!!! Oh my, Steele and Gilbert have officially come to blows!!! They're making death threats to each other as they're dragged away! This is far from over as these two power-mad blowhards compete for the same corporate title!! **
** CUT TO COMMERCIAL **
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Translation: XPW Remixed tag team champions THE HEADHUNTERZ are going to f*** s*** up at "Damage Inc"!!! Cartel!
MAIN EVENT
BLKOUT versus THE OLYMPIA (w/ William Muldoon)
(#1 Contenders Match)
with
versus
with
Big time main event match feel for this one. BLKOut (featuring Annie Social) come out first with all the bells and whistles. Straight G-d up; timberland boots, bandannas obscuring their face, flashing gang signs. Ruckus puffs a Black-n-Mild, Sabian jiggles the ass of some fat chick in the front row, and Annie Social shows off her low-cut “FREE NICK GAGE” T-shirt. On the mic, Ruckus gets a chance to swear a little and put over the BLKOut mantra. They then get an elongated, specialized ring announcement proclaiming them to be “the Jake the Snake of getting Baked… AJ Styles of Black-n-Milds… Bruce Lee of OOOOWEEE”… etc etc. This… is… BLKOUT!!!! (cheers mixed with slightly overwhelming boos).
The Olympia on the other hand get the heroes ovation, even from all these so-called crazy “blood marks” in the XPW audience. William Muldoon leads the way in training gear (track suit and baseball hat with the “Olympia” logo) followed by the spritely Alexxis Nevaeh. The International Superhero tandem of Mil Mascaras (1975) and Hakushi (1995) bring up the rear. They get their MMA-inspired ring announcement and the crowd explodes with cheers. Match intensity is off the charts even before the first lock-up (Hakushi and Sabian start the match). Exciting, high-flying, expert tag team match that spans 3 commercial breaks. This is X-Division/meets WSX/meets Lucha libre. The insane gymnastic and tumbling ability of all 4 men is off the charts and the crowd “ooohs” and “ahhhhs” appropriately (along with copious amounts of rabid “XPW XPW XPW!!!” chants).
The precision symmetry and synchronization needed to pull off these high-level chain of maneuvers is beyond the scope of mortal men. These are deities competing at the highest level of fantasy wrestling. William Muldoon shouts out instructions and words of encouragement, while Alexxis Nevaeh cheer leads for her team. Meanwhile the gangsta bitch (in the immortal words of Apache) ANNIE SOCIAL keeps it real for her squad. At one point, she squeezes in between Ruckus and Sabian on the floor – preventing a stereo top turnbuckle attempt by Mascaras and Hakushi. But when Annie Social takes it too far and squares Hakushi with a low blow… Alexxis Nevaeh has seen enough! She circles the ring with haste and takes it right to Annie Social!!! CATFIGHT!!! Cue end game:
Chaos erupts at ringside as the two girls start scrapping. Referees, officials, XPW security and Mil Mascaras all begin to intercede. Just then – from the audience side, just off camera – two large, black-cloaked figures kick down the metal guard rail and blind side William Muldoon at ringside!!!
The two-hooded monsters are MASSIVE in size! Easily north of 500 lbs each. With painted faces made up to look like Kiss rejects, they exude a vaguely sinister aura. Their bad intentions are cemented when they rush Muldoon from the rear and beat him down!!! Oh my, these two HUMONGOUS monsters are pounding William Muldoon into a fine Irish jelly on the outside of the ring! Who’s that following from behind them, leading the call??? Why that’s none other than ”The Boston Bad Boy” TONY RUMBLE!!! Clad in his black leather jacket and “Boston” bandanna, the North Shore hooligan has ordered this beat down!!!
By the time Hakushi has rushed over for the save, William Muldoon is a flattened mess! Hakushi tries to brawl with the giant twin tandem as more XPW officials intercede. Meanwhile the match is STILL going on, and a discombobulated Mil Mascaras winds up succumbing to an improvised "Total Elimination"-style move (leg sweep/steel chair-spin kick) by Sabian & Ruckus! We've got #1 Contenders for "Damage Inc"!!!
Winner: BLKOUT
BLKOut get a chance to bathe in their glory as Tony Rumble finally leads his assault team away from ringside (but not before shouting in a downed William Muldoon's face and spitting in his eye!). Alexxis Neveah is in the ring tending to a downed Mil Mascaras. Just then, that ominous theme song begins...
WILLIAM MULDOON versus DOINK REBOURNE
(Slaughtahouse Stampede Qualifier)
versus
House lights have darkened dramatically as Doink ReBourne (clad in Heath Ledger-inspired "Joker" apparel) strolls to ringside (spiked bat in one hand - mic in another). As he walks to ringside he cuts a brief, sinister promo on Muldoon and his team. By the way, this is a "Slaughtahouse Stampede" Qualifier too, so no rules... Scene plays out like a horror movie, with the petrified and disturbed Alexxis Nevaeh left at ringside to watch the destruction of William Muldoon play out move-by-devastating-move. She screams out in terror as Muldoon is bloodied, bludgeoned and bashed. The wicked clown seems to be playing towards Alexxis, reveling in his systematic destruction. He has Alexxis Nevaeh in tears literally begging him to stop the beating. He does. But not before a final dramatic "Whoopee Cushion" top rope sit down splash, while a steel chair rests over Muldoon's bloody face and chest! "The Solid Man" and "Professor" of the Olympia fight camp has been CRUSHED and Doink ReBourne stares hard in Alexxis' eyes as he makes the pinfall (with an evil smirk on his face the entire time). Doink ReBourne will be in the Slaughtahouse Stampede match at "Damage Inc". Meanwhile, the shattered Olympia is left to pick up the pieces. A devastated Alexxis Neveah stays beside William Muldoon, clenching his hand as paramedics bring the stretcher and neck brace. Hakushi and Mascaras as well have been severely damaged by the cowardly sneak attack of "The Boston Bad Boy" Tony Rumble and his crew. Bad things are afoot. Very bad things...
Winner: DOINK REBOURNE
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IN STUDIO OUTRO
GORDON SOLIE: The greatest ever was Coach William Muldoon because I loved it when he'd come on the show with me. Because I got a virtual education...there was an article in our Tribune recently where they asked what things are missed most these days and which are missed least in the area and XPW Remixed Wrestling and myself were mentioned. And I don't remember how they phrased it but they said, "...we miss his vast physicological knowledge..." - but I got all of that from "Professor" William Muldoon, because he would sit down with me and we'd start doing a show amd he would start talking about the deltoids or the trapezius muscle or the latisimus dorsii - you know and he's the one who got me into the anatomy aspect. And I'm no doctor, but I'm sure that vicious, unrestrained assault - because that's what I would call it, an "assault" - by Doink ReBourne will affect Muldoon forever. God bless Doink's soul when Muldoon comes to... This is Gordon Solie, signing off.
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CREDITS:
THE MIZ: Buddy TV interview 3/27/09
LOU THESZ: TWC Online interview
BRUNO SAMMARTINO: Lee Benaka interview
DUSTY RHODES: Oklafan interview
GORDON SOLIE: Jeremy Hartley interview