Post by MadStepDad on Apr 16, 2011 17:43:27 GMT -5
1) Cut to the in-studio announce team for the evening:
Gordon Solie & Matt Striker
GORDON SOLIE: It's remarkable to see the irrepressible spirit of some of these kids who are in the independent circuits, unfortunately there is nobody there to teach them the philosophy so so much of what they are learning and so much of what they are doing is basically only partial. They might no some of the basic moves but they don't understand...well, let me give you an example. There used to be a day when wrestlers had a "patented" move - you know, Jack (Brisco) had the figure four leglock and you knew that if he got that move the match was over. Lou Thesz had the flying vertical body press... so it used to be that, and this was a restricted thing, so guys were told that if you had Jack Brisco in a a match and his favorite hold was the figure four, guys were told, "...if you have a match with Jack, you do not use the figure four." In other words, our of respect for you fellow competitor, don't steal any of his thunder that he may get later on. That is no longer the case. I watched Kevin Sullivan cheat how many people at the "My Bloody Valentine" Pay-Per-View, I guess, and he cheated a whole bunch of them, including Sammartino, and Bruno jumped straight up on his feet like nothing had happened. Well, that's the key, you know, what the hell good was Sullivan's scheming? You know, you kill the guy and then killed his patented hold in one fell swoop. But we have been assured by the Prince of Darkness himself that his crusade against Sammartino is far from over. He has promised a new phase of that war to begin tonight, something Sullivan is calling "The Apocalypse of 2012". But now, we take it down to ringside where my partner Matt Striker is introducing the legend Terry Funk
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1) TERRY FUNK's RETIREMENT SERENADE
TERRY FUNK: All the things I've done in my life, I have no regrets. My knees have been operated on four times. I don't know how many stitches. I had a broken sacrum (lower back) where I couldn't sit down. On the airplane, I had to get on my knees and kneel down in my seat, leaning over the back side of it. But I just kept wrestling. It's the dressing room, the trip, that moment ... It's an addiction. I don't need any enhancing drugs. Wrestling is my drug. It's what I love. I grew up in the backseat of a car. I didn't want to be a cowboy. I wanted to wrestle. I went to college and played football. I was with the Kansas City Chiefs. But I had an opportunity to wrestle. And it's been the love of my life. Many times in ECW or over in Japan, you're doing things in the ring that you know are going to take their toll ... but you do them anyway. You'd see a guy like Dynamite Kid wrestle and he'd come back to the dressing room with a bump the size of a grapefruit on his back. He's just been out there killing himself in a match. In that goofy British accent of his, he'd ask, 'How was my match?' "I'd say, 'It was great.' "You watch Bruno Sammartino or Mil Mascaras walk into the ring, they're physically hurt, but they do it. It's the rush you get. It's the same for a lot of guys in the business. They're the true wrestlers. It's in their hearts. For a guy like Hulk Hogan, I think it's the money for him. It's about the bucks. Hardcore to me is getting out there and busting your ass, going 110%. Hardcore is giving everything you've got whether there are 50 or 50,000 people paying money to watch you. I love the part of the country I'm from. Amarillo, Texas. I believe in keeping my world small. I think it's the same way with the Hart family. I'm a bit of a Bolshevik. I wouldn't be anything else. Mil Mascaras definitely hated me for all the things I said about him. I said he kind of looked like Barbara Bush. And I said he had a banana nose. He really does. What they didn't tell me about I Quit match was if you say I quit, you had to retire. They didn't announce that anywhere until the last night and on a microphone where I couldn't hear it."I wouldn't have quit. I'd like to have him in the ring again. Maybe UFC or MMA. I'd straighten him out. I guess if I don't like him, it doesn't make him a bad person. I want to be remembered as a good man. I hope everybody can say: 'I got my money's worth when Terry Funk wrestled.
Terry Funk receives a standing ovation from the audience, sheer respect for his decades of bloodshed. Terry Funk kindly requests Mil Mascaras' presence in the ring so the Funker can shake the proud Mexicans hand in victory and respect. But instead of getting the masked super hero - the sentimental Terry Funk is rudely interrupted by "Killa Kali" by the Thug Lordz... enter Vicious Vic Grimes and his Cannibal Cartel (Headhunterz and Nailz)!!!
Vic Grimes cuts a venomous anti-Funk promo, while his goon squad surrounds Terry in the ring. Finally Grimes finishes his rant with a death threat, the wily Funker hauls off with a shot to one of the Headhunterz and we're off - deluxe Cannibal Cartel-styled beat down on Terry Funk. Grimes talks trash. Moonsaults from the 400 lbs + Headhunterz. Grimes declares his dominance over XPW (and the furthered extinction of ECW). Ex-convict Nailz prepares to hammer a barely-conscious Terry Funk with his nightstick. But before he can strike - through the audience darts a savior! It's Superfly Jimmy Snuka!
Superfly bursts into the ring like an uncaged beast. This is Jimmy Snuka circa '82 - '84: wild, unpredictable, coke-fueled maniac, bloody and ranting and raving at ringside, destroying shit. Twin stiff chair shots to the Headhunterz drive them from the ring while an intimidated Vic Grimes dives for cover. This leaves Snuka alone in the ring with orange-clad ex convict of wrestling. They snarl and flex like two big pit bulls ready for war! XPW quickly makes it official!
SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA versus NAILZ (w/ Vic Grimes)
Jimmy Snuka is an absolute feral beast, quickly overwhelming and overcoming the slightly taller Nailz with a flurry of offense. The crowd is absolutely rabid, as the Headhunterz recuperate outside the ring and Vic Grimes furiously shouts instructions to Nailz. But the ex-convict doesn't get a single shot in, as Snuka dominates him, and as he perches on the top rope preparing to end the match - Snuka even takes time to angrily taunt Vic Grimes below him. Superfly Splash for the emphatic victory on Nailz.
Winner (by pin fall): SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA
(Post match Snuka and Grimes continue to jaw, while paramedics tend to Terry Funk. Silently and almost without notice, the recently defeated Nailz is taken into custody on the spot by LAPD officers (the internet would later learn he was picked up on outstanding warrants). Snuka has doth returned with a fury, ready to wreak havoc upon Grimes, his men and their demented mission to erase ECW from existence!!!)
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** Strange, shadowy Messiah promo that takes place in some dark confessional booth somewhere. He prays for guidance and the strength to smite his enemies. **
2) THE MESSIAH versus HAKUSHI
versus
Great TV match between these two high-flyers, with the added XPW-crunch of wooden tables and steel chairs sprinkled throughout. After a high-wire seesaw battle between the two, the purple trench coat-clad Doink Rebourne once again makes his presence felt with a vicious sneak attack on Messiah that culminates in a homeroom swing with his spiked baseball bat - leaving a bloody Messiah easy pickings for Hakushi's springboard moonsault.
Winner (by pin fall): HAKUSHI
(This entertaining match (marred by the unfortunate ending) segues immediately into the next segment, featuring the eerie and disturbed Heath Ledger as "Joker"-inspired Doink Rebourne "confessing" to the unconscious, blood soaked Messiah).
DOINK REBOURNE: I can remember driving down the road at the height of my career making $10,000 a week, and I'm driving on the road and I was miserable. In all my career, I wanted to get to a certain point, and there I was -- I had it. Why wasn't I happy? I couldn't figure it out, and nobody could have told me... I guess I had to go through what I went through to become the type of person that I want to be. I tried to do it myself, Messiah!!!! I tried to keep my problems a secret... which is kind of impossible to do when you've got drug problems. I had a very bad cocaine problem and then when Vince fired me at the end of '93, I really went off the deep end for about a year and a half. That's when I really tried to run from it. It kept coming back to me, it kept coming back to me. But I tried to seek help just myself, try to do it myself, but I just couldn't do it. Finally I just decided I wanted help. I was tired of repeating the same mistakes. I guess I would have some success then I would sabotage myself. (cradles this spiked baseball bat, now slathered with the blood of Messiah) But now I've met you Messiah, and you hear my prayers. That helps me a lot because if I tell somebody my story, that there is life -- learn how to live your life. I didn't know how to live. I had to live like every day was a party and what can I do for me? What I learned, and it's really pretty simple and ironic, the only way that I can be happy is to give of myself. If I feel myself starting to be unhappy, then I'm aware now that it's because I'm thinking selfish thoughts... (Doink Rebourne viciously wraps the Messiah up in the ring ropes, effectively "crucifying" him in the blood soaked XPW ring. Doink Rebourne rips the black t-shirt from Messiah's body and prepares to whip him with the spiked bat!) One of the biggest things was dealing with all the loss that I had, that I created for myself. That was one of the biggest obstacles that I had to do once I got clean, was to put this stuff behind me. I can't dwell on things that I've lost, but what I can do is create a future and that's what I'm doing now...
In a brutal and disturbing sequence, Doink Rebourne lashes into Messiah's bare back with the bat - whipping him unmercifully and demanding he "take my sins! TAKE MY SINS!!!" as Doink Rebourne screams over and over again. By the time XPW security converges on the ring, Doink Rebourne disappears through the audience and the Messiah is left a brutalized, bloody mess on the dirty XPW arena floor.
“The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.”
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3) WORLD's GREATEST ENTERTAINER
HONKY TONK MAN: First and foremost you people who have worked maybe a few days or less than a few two or less years in the wrestling industry, you have no clue of what it takes to perform at the the highest level this industry. With that said, I can now call it not an industry, but a business. To come into the wrestling business and to stay for a few days or a couple of years and say, “I have lived my dream to be in wrestling.” You all are a bunch of idiot morons.I live my dream everyday for the last 34 years. I live it not a few weeks or a few months, but everyday. You turn around and say you are so glad you are away from XPW because you felt you were in prison. Yes I have had my issues with Bruno Sammartino but I never felt it was prison as some of you punks and punketts have said. XPW is a never ending grind to perform at the highest level. Ringo Starr said it best in a line of a song. “If you want to sing the blues, you have to pay your dues, cause you know it don’t come easy. For all you punks and punketts that want to play on the big stage, get your sh*t together or stay out of our business!
Hips swiveling and gyrating, Honky Tonk Man has prepared a song for you tonight. A song serenading the rise of the new Diamond Dynasty, and the fall of the old guard. Specifically, XPW champion Bruno Sammartino... this of course draws the current XPW champion out to the ring to great applause! Bruno proudly wears the XPW belt and is dressed for action. He quickly addresses Honky Tonk Man in the center of the ring:
BRUNO SAMMARTINO: In Pittsburgh before I became a wrestler I was doing amateur wrestling, but I was a construction worker. I was an apprentice carpenter making $2 an hour. You have to understand that this is going back to like 1956, or something like that. I was a real young guy, the carnival was in town and they had a wrestling monkey and they said if you could last five minutes with the monkey, they would give you $25. Well you know when you’re working for $2 an hour, $25 for five minutes sounded like a lot of money to me. So I took on the challenge and I fought that orangutan for fifteen minutes and I have to be real honest with you. I got the worst of that fight in that cage. The monkey won I think, because when I came out I was marked up a heck of a lot more than that monkey was. Honky Tonk Man, you're no better than filthy monkey singing and dancing like a buffoon! And I'd like nothing better than to mop the floor with you right here tonight in XPW!!!
4) HONKY TONK MAN versus BRUNO SAMMARTINO
versus
Bruno is all over HTM and rocks him around the ring with big right hands and jumping stomps. The bad Elvis impersonator gets bumped all around ringside, and front row fans each get a chance to see the action up close as Bruno drags Honky all throughout the ringside area. At one point, Honky Tonk Man tries to beg off but gets no mercy from the XPW champion. Bruno suplexes and slams HTM before sinking in an over-the-shoulder backbreaker for the quick submission victory! Honky Tonk Man has been humbled and silenced by the XPW champion!
Winner (by submission): BRUNO SAMMARTINO
Sammartino briefly celebrates in the ring with his XPW championship, before being rudely interrupted by none other than Kevin Sullivan - the "Prince of Darkness" - and his Black Army!!! Sullivan and his group of carnal miscreants take the ring to address Bruno, who is quick to remind Sullivan of the stipulations of their match at "My Bloody Valentine" (Sullivan has lost his chance at another XPW championship match). But Sullivan just snickers and sneers. The Black Army conquers every corner of the multiverse - from Florida 1982 to LA to Parts Unknown and beyond. This is XPW - not the WWWF, WWE or ECW. Bruno is a relic - he cannot survive. Lizzy Borden takes the mic to boldly address Sammartino.
LIZZY BORDEN: Our shows have more drama. Our finances are in better order. There is a reason we have guys like Terry Funk and Sabu wanting to work here rather than there. Our violent stuff is a lot more violent than ECW's. KJLA had to switch our timeslot, because they felt we were more for mature audiences. We had a King of Deathmatch tournament. I've seen a lot of old ECW tapes, and there was a time when they were more extreme than they are now. We are just more extreme. Here they are suing us over the use of the word and our shows are really more extreme- The girls, the violence, the angles... you don't belong here, old man!
Borden violently SLAPS Bruno Sammartino! Forever being the chivalrous type, Bruno Sammartino would never strike a woman and Borden knows this. But her actions immediately draw forth her arch-rival - MISSY HYATT! Missy races to the ring to confront Borden! Cat fight! Cat fight!
Sammartino starts brawling with Kevin Sullivan and Damien Demento! Sullivan gets clotheslined out of the ring, leaving Demento and Sammartino to have a brief exchange that ends with Bruno tossing the wild man over the top rope to the arena floor! Sammartino has cleared the ring again! But Kevin Sullivan isn't done... he has summoned forth a new demon from the spectrum of space and time - this one from the uncertain world of 2012, who will end Sammartino's reign once and for all. Bruno, meet your #1 contender at "Fallout"...
Rising up from behind Sammartino, unbeknownst to him, a giant bear of a man. Bald head, glistening brick house frame. Sheer monstrous size. Sammartino turns around to meet:
EZEKIEL JACKSON!!!
Jackson dismantles the surprised XPW champion, and whips him from pillar to post - culminating in a thunderous standing rock-bottom onto a steel chair that lays Sammartino out for good. There, the monstrous Ezekiel Jackson - the last ECW champion ever, Striker reminds you - stands tall over his body, Kevin Sullivan, Damien Demento and Lizzy Borden all slinking around him and singing his praises! The Black Army rises again!
** Fade Out **
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MATT STRIKER: If parents don't accompany their children or monitor what they do, then part of the blame has to be put on them. This IS in fact wrestling and the idea is to do what is good for the sport and good for the business aspect. The bottom line remains, if parents don't want their children exposed to something then take a vested interest in where your kids are going, who they are going with, what they are listening to, and watching, etc, etc. XPW will return, but there will be changes as far as who the program belongs to. I feel that a guy like Ezekiel Jackson would be perfect for an Black Army angle- and could quite possibly be the man to end Sammartino's XPW championship reign once and for all... Tune in next week for another exciting episode of XPW TV!
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CREDITS:
TERRY FUNK: SLAM Sports 5/8/10
HONKY TONK MAN: Honkytonkman.net Rant (2010)
DOINK REBOURNE: "Bourne no longer a Maniac or Clown" by GREG OLIVER -- SLAM! Wrestling (4/18/01)
LIZZY BORDEN: Red Hot Divas Interview (October 2000)
BRUNO SAMMARTINO: Camelclutch interview By: Eric Gargiulo (10/11/10)
GORDON SOLIE: Jeremy Hartley interview
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